My stance on the Command & Conquer franchise should be a fairly open public record by this point, but if by some chance you are unaware let me make it plain for you: the relationship I hold with the Generals property in particular is more extensive and passionate than that of several former lovers. I don’t want to go into details, but suffice to say that back in 2004 several unusual indiscretions were made.

When faced with a new iteration of a fairly multi-directional property such as C&C that is based largely on the engine of a predecessor, the question therefore becomes whether or not said iteration can live up to the high water mark and simultaneously surpass the limitations of the predecessors, which are henceforth to be known as the Sins of the Fathers. The answer, disappointingly, is both yes and no, in that precise order.

Yes, C&C3 is a great game insofar as that it adequately straddles the line of reinvention and status quo by providing a fresh mix of options operating under the familiar rules, all wrapped in a comforting blanket of fresh, shiny graphics. Overall balance appears to be achieved, and there are enough new units and tactics to be absorbed to keep this from feeling like a standard RTS re-hash.

Still, C&C3 is tragically marred by what has come to represent the EA hallmark, which is promise marred by insultingly egregious technical difficulties. Online game performance is so bad in general that I’ve resorted to turning my resolution down to 800×600, which I don’t believe I’ve used as a game resolution since the original Command & Conquer. Indeed, the entire multiplayer experience can be considered an affront to both good taste and general sensibility. I wish there was some lighter, more constructive way to put it, but I can basically guarantee that anyone attempting to play C&C3 multiplayer will wonder at least once within ten minutes whether or not they dedicated more than a single person to testing that aspect, and that’s not a positive feeling at all.

I’ve devoted some time to the pursuit of a means by which the gaming community can collectively know game publishers such as EA the myriad ways in which they’ve fucked up and pissed us off, but so far my efforts have been fruitless. As much as I want to punish EA for the ways in which their product has caused me to grind my teeth (and worse, wonder what features have been cut for future inclusion in an essentially mandatory “expansion pack”), but at the end of the day my desire to play with my equally flabbergasted friends consistently wins out. The message as it stands now is simply that averaged mediocrity is acceptable and sometimes even encouraged. Is that an exciting way to think about spending $50, or what?

My lavish spending habits are such that I sometimes require small side projects to bring in a little extra moolah. Be aware that in my pursuit of the almighty dollar, I have given in to acts so depraved that they make street hooking look like candy striping, and only one of them involved making PC repair house calls. Hey, I was young, it was cold, I was in college… cut me some slack

Among the exploits I can tell you about legally, however, I occasionally write freelance game reviews for sundry publications. It seemed as though I had found a way to earn extra cash while retaining my dignity, and I was quite smug about it until last week when I was assigned to write a review of The Burning Crusade. This is roughly equivalent to asking someone to, say, review heroin. People think I’m joking when I tell them that I’ve been free and clear of WoW for over a year, but the tragedy there is that these individuals don’t seem to understand the very real danger posed. I glumly set about reinstalling the Great Behemoth on my machine, my fate already sealed.

It is awesome, of course, and I’ve only barely scratched the expansion content. The very first evening it was back on my hard drive, I completely neglected all the work I had before me so that I could spend a few hours building a new Draenai paladin. Then, of course, I had to reacquaint myself with my long dormant level 56 frost mage, who must now be leveled before I can even experience Outland. Let’s not forget that there are also new skills and talents to be checked out, since I am nothing if not thorough. How I’m going to get all that done in the face of the already neglected work that has piled up is not entirely clear, but I suspect it will involve a rather detailed investigation into the antithesis of the verb “to do.”

I seem to recall a point earlier today — or was it yesterday? — when a man in a Vivendi t-shirt quietly walked into my room and slipped a small needle into my forearm before removing all the money in my wallet and exiting again, but to be honest I didn’t pay that much attention. Those lasher roots won’t gather themselves.

I’ve been keeping pretty close tabs on the news coming out of this year’s CES, and tonight I stumbled across a description of some hands-on time that Kotaku’s Michael McWhertor spent with both the 360 and Vista versions of the upcoming Live Anywhere tech demo title Shadowrun. The impressions posted were surprisingly positive, which is nice, but the fact is that it doesn’t matter: The title is still overwhelmingly pre-destined to suck.

The core issue really has very little to do with the quality of the gameplay delivered. If there’s one universal thing about nerds that you need to take to heart, it’s that we’re incredibly anal about a consistent story experience. What other demographic could produce people who will complain bitterly about the canonical standing of the multiplayer portion of a Star Wars video game? To that end, we’re also susceptible to being particular about the ways in which a particular franchise is used commercially. Even the most devoted Sam Fisher fan has no interest in a Splinter Cell kart racer, and similarly I doubt that anyone out there is holding their breath for a Lord of the Rings themed football title. The possible exception to this rule would be the wide variety of entertaining Mario titles, but Mario ceased being solely about platformers a long time ago. Regardless, of all of the different ways to think about and interact with the Shadowrun IP, in my mind a Counter-Strike styled FPS ranks just slightly below Shadowrunner’s Intramural Soccer League in terms of legitimacy. I suspect I’m not alone in this.

A new Shadowrun game is not only great, it’s encouraged. But don’t play us for dumb: When you’re resurrecting a respected IP simply to allow your strange, unrelated ideas to wear it like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, we can see though it. And we don’t like it.

I’ve been interested in The Ship for awhile now, as the idea of playing out a murder mystery on board an art deco cruise ship seems suitably fresh and intriguing given the kind of Nazi-killing we are typically forced to contend with. The only thing preventing me from checking it out has been a lack of other players, since I refuse to foray into most online worlds with total strangers and my friends are utter tightwads. Valve’s upcoming free trial period, running from November 2-5, isn’t the full-fledged demo that a title like this really needs, but it is a really good chance to experience the whole game (even if you only have four days to do it in).

My trustworthy Microsoft Intellimouse is finally starting to show signs that its timely demise is near, so I’m in the market for a new optical/laser gaming mouse. I’m a classy lad, though. I need a mouse that is strictly for pimps. There’s a lot of information out there on a lot of different mice, but I’m a busy guy and asking readers for help seems like an easier short-term solution. So please, post your advice in the comments so that everyone in the Twistedmonkey hivemind can benefit from your wisdom.