Stay Away! Do Not Enter! Cease And Desist!
(Update: Apparently, I bunged up virtually every link in this post. The scoreboards link works now, and I’ll get the envelope working when I get home this afternoon.)
I’m feeling much better this week now that the Übercold has left the Linden Compound (as it has come to be known), which is nice because it means I get to go to work instead of staying home and playing video games. In other words, it’s more of a lateral shift, where I feel physically better but mentally worse. At this point, I’d like to individually thank each and every person who wrote in expressing any sort of sympathy over what was clearly a life-threatening malady, but that won’t take very long, since nobody did. That is, unless “Enlarge your penis now!” is new millennial slang for “Get Well Soon!”
I am puzzled that Twistedmonkey site traffic is slowly but steadily rising, despite the marked decline in the quality of my writing. After the giant post-Penny-Arcade slump, I had been kind of looking forward to traffic decreasing until the site eventually collapsed due to mutual disinterest on the parts of both myself and the readers. I figured retiring from this “pipe dream of being Tycho” would be a relaxing change of pace and perhaps afford me time to look into some new hobbies, like playing in an orchestra or getting laid. I’ve even gone so far as to post my most listless writings here, but that’s not working. I mean, come on, people! That Jew ‘n’ Monkey column was a C+ effort at best. The more you folks come here, the farther it takes me away from that dream of a quiet and solitary existence. If these trends continue, someone is eventually going to offer me money for something related to the site, and then I’ll have to commit suicide.
I’ve already clearly expressed how much I enjoy Crimson Skies, but now it’s sucked in my roommate Shoehorn as well. These days, if he’s not engaged in some vaguely homo erotic banter with Nihil, he’s bugging me to hop on Crimson Skies with him. I don’t mind overmuch, mostly because we kick ass at it. In fact, after 2 nights worth of playing, I’m already ranked around #15 for the week in Flag Heist.
If any of you clicked on the link in the previous sentence, you’ll notice that it didn’t go anywhere. That’s because the Xbox Live website absolutely sucks, to understate the point. It’s bad enough that the Scoreboards page contains 10 paltry games that virtually nobody plays anymore, but in order to view it you have to associate your Gamertag with Passport first, and then login to Passport every subsequent time you wish to view the page. This is precisely the kind of lame-ass Microsoft bullshit that people bitch about and that I am defending, but now I’ve finally buckled and I’m one of them. There’s no reason I should have to log in to see any fucking scoreboard, and the scoreboards should have games that people actually play, like Midtown Madness and Crimson Skies and Rainbow Six 3 and all that garbage. So I guess I’m confused, Xbox Live Website Team. If the point of this new “Live Now!” exercise was to make Live scores accessible from the web, then great, because that’s a cool idea. But if this hyperlink doesn’t go to a page showing me at the top of the Flag Heist ladder, then you haven’t really done your fucking job, now have you?
A few weeks ago, Senior Monkey Patroller Læcan put himself in great physical peril when he left his home during the midst of the Fire That Almost Destroyed San Diego in order to mail a poster this way. To my surprise and amusement, the envelope had a strip of paper taped over a critical message. Some poor bastard at the post office had to take time to do that, lest some child’s retinas be permanently scarred with an image of the soul-destroying word “fuck”. Instead of emailing me with your hate-filled missives, do you guys think you could snail mail it to me instead from now on? It’s fun to think that we’re generating extra work for federal employees.
(CW)Safety Monkey has left the server.
that would be an understatement